I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
