I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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