There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
