someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Someone came in the potted fern
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
