Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
