How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
