New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
