I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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