I think i sorta joined a cult last night
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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