Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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