so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
