We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i came on her dog
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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