Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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