Umm I'm too high to move.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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