He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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