Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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