Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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