When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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