Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
