I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
