my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
