I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
