Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize