Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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