ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
