you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
