Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
