Say something about gay babies.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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