he puts the penis in happiness.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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