Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
