I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
