do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
i now understand why vodka
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
