im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
