I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
