when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
