its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
