you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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