Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
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