HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We are all done wearing pants today
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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