Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
