I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
