I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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