Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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