I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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