My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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