; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
