my phone needs a breathalizer
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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