Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
