I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
