I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
