At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You ate ashes out of my bong
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
