in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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