Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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