Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
