At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
