I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
