I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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