And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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