We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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