There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
