you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
