I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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