im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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